Finding the love of my life (Kimberley Heart)
Finding the love of my life doesn’t have to be painful. Perhaps you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Kimberley Heart, author of “Get Love: How to Transform your Love Life”, shares her insights on how we can find true love.
Why can’t I find love? What’s wrong with me? Why do I always end up with the wrong person?
Valentines Day and New Years Eve are two holidays when expectations run high and our relationship is put under the microscope. It’s during these romantic times that we start thinking about the love we want, but don’t have. Kimberley Heart explains more here: (http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=2m8s).
In her book, “Get Love: How to Transform your Love Life”, Kimberley Heart shares the love letters she wrote after an intense romantic relationship with Adam, a man she met through a friend. Heart reveals her own revelations about love after an intensive exploration with her mentor. Here are some excerpts from her book on what she discovered about love that explained why it was so illusive to her and her paradigm shift:
“It is not a man’s responsibility to fill my needs. It’s is not a man’s responsibility to fulfill any “lack” in me… What I discovered today, on a deeply profound level, was that… I wanted (a man) to fill my lack; to love me so I didn’t have to truly love myself; to love me so I felt loveable; to love me so I could feel good about myself. While I have worked at these “lacks” for years, now they were again on a whole new level. On a smaller level, perhaps, but still there, I also created relationship with me who wanted me to fill their “lack”… that was the resonance match I would pull in. No matter how “good” it looked, what was true was that there was always one part of the man that didn’t fit for me. Why? Because then I could maintain superiority. I could maintain some level of control. I could be safe. I wanted the man to “fill me” by being “less than,” so I could maintain control and the illusion of safety.
If there is any “lack” in me that I want you to fill, if there is any “lack” in you that you want me to fill, then we are in a paradigm of fear. From that paradigm there is no level of freedom that would satisfy either one of us for very long…. (when) We have done the work to fill our “lack” We do not expect the other to be responsible for that filling”. P84-87
Does this revelation sound familiar? It reminds me of that song “Looking for Love in all the wrong places” by Johnny Lee. As Kimberley stated, the first place you have to find love is within yourself. Sometimes, we have voids that we look to have filled by someone else. We relieve this pressure and burden if we apply self-love and fill those voids ourselves.
What is true love? What does a good relationship look like?
True love is when we arrive at love with no agenda. An agenda is when you act and behave in a certain way so that you get love in return. It’s very common that we act kind, thoughtful, and giving at the onset of a relationship, not because it makes us feel joy in expressing these things, but more because we want our partner to reciprocate and love us back. In her book “Get Love”, Kimberley offers what she learned about agendas through the letter she wrote to Adam:
“ We cannot love to get love. We cannot love to prove our worth or to get someone else to prove it by loving us. We cannot love to fill holes in ourselves…. I wanted you to love me so I could feel loveable, so I could bask in the love you send because I needed it to fill me. I was not whole, so I had an agenda, that if I loved you, you would love me back and that would fill my “lack”. See that damn paring, agenda, and “lack”?
The love so many seek, the pure love without agendas, can only be achieved if you lose yourself first. My true self-love can only be experienced when I am seated in vulnerability, intimacy, and humility” p99-101.
What is vulnerability? Intimacy? Humility? Why are they important ingredients for love?
In order for a relationship to last you must have intimacy, humility and vulnerability. Kimberly explains what that means and why they are so important here. http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=33m12s
Throughout the book, Kimberley dives into exploring what it means to be both intimate and vulnerable. Here’s a snippet from “Get Love: How to Transform your Love Life” that details her understanding of what intimacy and vulnerability means:
“Vulnerability and intimacy are key-and-lock. Vulnerability means being simultaneously aware of both my weaknesses and my strengths, and so much more. Intimacy means closeness, openness, tenderness, vulnerability, knowing and being known, caring and loving.” P84
Why do Opposites attract?
Opposites often attract when both parties are trying to find a sense of wholeness and harmony. Subconsciously, , we know when a partner can fill a perceived lack. For example, my extroverted life was always filled with an unending number of social engagements and I never really stopped going. My husband, an introvert, helped to slow me down and relax, which harmonized our relationship. In the beginning my husband was my crutch that enabled me to recognize the merits and reminded me to take it easy. Over time, I’ve had to work hard to develop these skills on my own.
4 Steps to self-discoverY: What is wrong with me? What can I do differently to find love? What is the inner work I should do to be a good partner?
During the interview, Kimberley explains that we spend a lot of time trying to focus on “repackaging” our external self instead of rewiring our internal self. Losing weight and getting a makeover may be the quick fix you thought you needed, but essentially it’s placing a temporary Band-Aid on the real problem. It’s not allowing you to deal with the pain of not being enough. Kimberley explains why it’s so important to be clear with what you want in a relationship here. http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=9m12s
Rewiring of our internal self is the long-term fix to create a more healthy foundation you can build a strong relationship off of. Our internal self is filled with a set of disempowering beliefs about what we “lack”. Kimberly suggests we follow these steps to begin the journey of fixing our internal self:
- Step 1: Recognize – Recognize that you want to change. Take a moment and commit to a permanent change in your beliefs. In the book, Kimberley offers a set of questions to help you discover those beliefs that create an internal sense of lack (e.g.- am I willing to be loved? What do I lose by having a romantic relationship? etc.).
- Step 2: Acknowledge- During this step, we become aware of how and why we create and maintain these beliefs. We also accept responsibility for how these beliefs shape our behavior. Oftentimes, we develop unhelpful beliefs about “lack” because we benefit in some way for having them. While it may seem odd, if we believe “I can never have someone to love me the way I want to be loved” then we can avoid finding real love, blame others for our lack of love, get pity from others, or perhaps help booster our ego and gain a sense of self-importance. In the book, Kimberley walks the reader through a set a questions to explore “WHY?” (e.g.- What am I trying to avoid by maintaining my current belief?)
- Step 3: Forgive – After we do the hard work at understanding our beliefs, we can begin to trace the origin of these voids. Perhaps it’s related to the way we were raised, our family conditions or the challenges we’ve experienced in our life thus far. Maybe, we discovered we have a sense of lack because our mother or father never really accepted us, or a teacher reprimanded us at school. Regardless of where these ideas originated, this step is about forgiving yourself and others. It is only through this forgiveness that we can release the energy holding onto these hurtful places and become free to explore a set of new beliefs.
- Step 4: Change – In the final step, we start to develop new neural pathways, which means we have to accompany our new beliefs with full sensory feeling. You must be able to have a clear vision of you living that belief and a clear articulation of what the new belief is.
For more information on the ingredients for installing these new beliefs, check out Joe Dispenza radio interview. Rick Hanson explains his approach to rewiring your brain toward feelings of safety, connection, and satisfaction here.
What should I do if my partner doesn’t want to work with me on the relationship? or commit?
Both parties have to decide what type of relationship is good enough for them and if they are willing to do the work to maintain it. If one party decides not to work on the relationship, the other has to decide if they are okay with the relationship remaining “as is”. Kimberley suggests writing out a list of how you want the relationship to feel and then decide if the way you are relating is ok for you. If your answer is NO, then it may be time to break things off.
How do I know if it’s time to break up?
Kimberley describes how she knew when to break up with her boyfriend Adam here and the importance of patience. She explains how love is like a big ocean and how you have to be careful not to break a relationship off prematurely just because the love tide is “out”. Hear her full analogy here.
Find out more about when to break up, if you should break up and other choices here:
What do you do if your partner loves you more than you do or vice versa?
Kimberley explains that we may not be receiving the love our partner gives us because we don’t know how to here: (http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=24m12s). She asks us to question if we really feel that our partner loves us less, or if they just have a different way of expressing it.
Can I have a life after love?
Kimberley shares how she felt after her breakup with Adam and when it was time for her to move on with life http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=28m9s
How do I know if I’m in Love? How to know if he or she loves me? And that it’s real?
Kimberley shares her belief that not all people can really share or feel that they are in love because the potential of getting hurt is not worth the risk. Check out the video here. http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=29m56s
Instead of the standard checklist of qualities we compare to whomever we’re dating, Kimberley suggests a different checklist of questions that should be considered instead. She explains here. http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=31m53s.
Her checklist includes the following:
When I’m with this person …..
- Do I feel safe?
- Do I feel pleasure?
- Do I feel like I belong?
- Do I feel like I have a safe place to be giving and receiving?
If you answered “YES” to all of the above, then love is definitely in the atmosphere. The depth and breadth of that love depends on how you as a couple exchange it.
- What is love? How would you describe all the different forms of love and how are they different? Puppy love, committed love, tough love, unrequited love?
- How do you know if someone’s love is real? How do you know if you are in love?
- How do I know if I’m in love? How is it different than passion, intimacy, commitment? What does it mean to fall in love? How do you know if you have fallen in love?
- What does it mean to love someone? How to love? I don’t know how to love?
What is the best way to say “I Love you”? When is it too soon to say “I Love you” How can I transform the way I love? (transformational model)
If you love someone and you love yourself, then it’s safe to tell that person “I love you”. However, if you are saying “I love you” because you’re hoping to hear it back, then you may want to do some personal exploration first. Get Kimberley’s advice here. http://youtu.be/R9RXfByXMwA?t=35m54s
About Kimberly Heart- Coach, Speaker, and author of “Get Love”
Kimberley Heart, B.Sc., PA, MA has been a trusted advisor to worldchangers and maverick leaders for more than twenty years. She consults and lectures internationally on relationships and the challenge of personal change. She has been featured on CBS and NBC national news and cited in Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and multiple regional newspapers and magazines. She has hosted her own talk radio show on both coasts and has been a guest on over 150 radio stations, including KABC, KFI, KCBS, WOR, WINS, and WCBS. Her first book, When Fairy Tale Romances Break Real Hearts, was met with enthusiastic acclaim from readers and reviewers alike.