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WHY CAN’T I FIND LOVE? WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP WITH THE WRONG PERSON?

In Kimberley Heart’s book she shares her love letters that she wrote over a thirty day period after being swept off her feet with a intense romantic love that she shares with Adam, a man she meets through a friend. In her book, she shares her own revelations about love after an intensive exploration with her mentor. Here are excerpts from her book on what she discovers about love that explains why love was so illusive to her and her paradigm shift:

“It is not a man’s responsibility to fill my needs. It’s is not a man’s responsibility to fulfill any “lack” in me… What I discovered today, on a deeply profound level, was that… I wanted(a man) one to fill my lack; to love me so I didn’t have to truly love myself; to love me so I felt loveable; to love me so I could feel good about myself. While I have worked at these “lacks” for years, now they were again on a whole new level. On a smaller level, perhaps, but still there, I also created relationship with me who wanted me to fill their “lack”… that was the resonance match I would pull in. No matter how “good” it looked, what was true was that there was always one part of the man that didn’t fit for me. Why? Because then I could maintain superiority. I could maintain some level of control. I could be safe. I wanted the man to “fill me” by being “less than,” so I could maintain control and the illusion of safety.

If there is any “lack” in me that I want you to fill, if there is any “lack” in you that you want me to fill, then we are in a paradigm of fear. From that paradigm there is no level of freedom that would satisfy either one of us for very long…. (when) We have done the work to fill our “lack” We do not expect the other to be responsible for that filling”. P84-87

This passage from Kimberley’s book reminds me of that song “Looking for Love in all the wrong places”. In the end, Kimberley concludes that the first place you have to find love is within yourself, self-love. We relieve the pressure and burden of someone else to fill our lack when we have self-love and we fill these feelings of lack with our own love.

WHY DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Interestingly, opposites often attract as they are both parties are trying to find a sense of wholeness and harmony. At an unconscious level, we know when a partner can fill a perceived lack. For example, my extroverted life was always filled with an unending number of social engagements and I never really stopped going. My husband, an introvert, helped slow me down, and our relationship forced me to slow down and relax. In the beginning my husband was a crutch that enabled me to recognize the merits and how to relax. Over time, I have had to do the hard work in developing these sets of skills that he filled initially. Find out more about why opposites attract in these two videos- a spiritual perspective on how we find ourselves through a relationship here and what to do when the opposites result in us falling out of love here.

4 STEPS TO SELF-DISCOVERY: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT CAN I DO DIFFERENTLY TO FIND LOVE? WHAT IS THE INNER WORK I SHOULD DO TO BE A GOOD PARTNER?

During the interview, Kimberley explains that in love we spend a lot of time trying to focus on “repackaging” our external self instead of rewiring our internal self. While losing weight, getting a make-over at the beauty counter are quick fixes, they are only temporary Band-Aids on dealing with the pain we have inside of not being enough.

The rewiring of our internal self is the longer-term fix that sets up a more healthy foundation that a strong relationship can be built off of. The internal self is filled with a set of disempowering beliefs about our “lack”. The journey on the inside can be done by following steps she discusses in detail in her book:

  • Step 1: Recognize- Recognize that you want to change. Take a moment and commit to a permanent change in your beliefs. In the book, Kimberley offers a set of questions to help you discover those beliefs that create an internal sense of lack (e.g.- am I willing to be loved? What do I lose by having a romantic relationship? etc.).
  • Step 2: Acknowledge- During this step, we become aware of how and why we created and maintained these beliefs, and we accept responsibility for how these beliefs shape our behavior. Often we develop unhelpful beliefs about “lack” because we benefit in some way for having these beliefs. While it may seem odd, if we believe “I can never have someone to love me the way I want to be loved” then we can avoid finding real love, blame others for our lack of love, get pity from others, or perhaps help booster our ego and gain a sense of self-importance. In the book, Kimberley steps the reader through a set a questions to explore “WHY?” (e.g.- What am I trying to avoid by maintaining my current belief?)
  • Step 3: Forgive – After we do the hard work at understanding our beliefs, it’s easy to see our not feeling enough perhaps being traced back to the way we were raised, our family conditioning or our challenging life experiences during our school days. Maybe, we discover we have a sense of lack because our mother or father never really accepted us, or a teacher reprimanded us at school. Regardless of where these ideas originated, this step is about forgiving yourself and others. It is only through this forgiveness that we can release the energy tied up into holding onto these hurtful places and be truly free to explore a set of new beliefs.
  • Step 4: Change – In the final step, we start to develop new neural pathways, which means we have to accompany our new beliefs with full sensory feeling of that new belief, which means a felt sense of that new belief, a clear vision of your living that belief, and a clear articulation of what the new belief. For more information on the ingredients for installing these new beliefs, check out Joe Dispenza radio interview and Rick Hanson’s approach to rewiring your brain toward feelings of safety, connection, and satisfaction here.
  • WHAT IS VULNERABILITY? INTIMACY? WHYARE THEY IMPORTANT INGREDIENTS FOR LOVE?

    Throughout the book, Kimberley dives into exploring what it means both to be intimate and vulnerable. In her book “Get Love: How to Transform your Love Life” she writes about her initial understanding of what intimacy and vulnerability mean:

    “Vulnerability and intimacy are key-and-lock. Vulnerability means being simultaneously aware of both my weaknesses and my strengths, and so much more. Intimacy means closeness, openness, tenderness, vulnerability, knowing and being known, caring and loving.”

    WHAT SHOULD I DO IF MY PARTNER DOESN’T WANT TO WORK WITH ME ON THE RELATIONSHIP? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LOVE MY PARTNER MORE THAN HE OR SHE LOVES ME? OR VICE-VERSA?

  • My partner doesn’t want to commit. What do I do?
  • HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU SHOULD BREAK UP? OR GET DIVORCED?

  • Check out linda Carroll.
  • Do you have to be in a committed relationship to be happy?
  • Can I have a life after love?
  • HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M IN LOVE? OR IF THE OTHER PERSON LOVES ME?

  • What is love? How would you describe all the different forms of love and how are they different? Puppy love, committed love, tough love, unrequited love?
  • How to know if he or she loves me? How do you know if someone’s love is real? How do you know if you are in love?
  • How do I know if I’m in love? What is true love? How do we know if we have it? How is it different than passion, intimacy, commitment? What does it mean to fall in love? How do you know if you have fallen in love?
  • What does it mean to love someone? How to love? I don’t know how to love?