WHY CAN’T I FIND LOVE? WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP WITH THE WRONG PERSON?
In Kimberley Heart’s book she shares her love letters that she wrote over a thirty day period after being swept off her feet with a intense romantic love that she shares with Adam, a man she meets through a friend. In her book, she shares her own revelations about love after an intensive exploration with her mentor. Here are excerpts from her book on what she discovers about love that explains why love was so illusive to her and her paradigm shift:
“It is not a man’s responsibility to fill my needs. It’s is not a man’s responsibility to fulfill any “lack” in me… What I discovered today, on a deeply profound level, was that… I wanted(a man) one to fill my lack; to love me so I didn’t have to truly love myself; to love me so I felt loveable; to love me so I could feel good about myself. While I have worked at these “lacks” for years, now they were again on a whole new level. On a smaller level, perhaps, but still there, I also created relationship with me who wanted me to fill their “lack”… that was the resonance match I would pull in. No matter how “good” it looked, what was true was that there was always one part of the man that didn’t fit for me. Why? Because then I could maintain superiority. I could maintain some level of control. I could be safe. I wanted the man to “fill me” by being “less than,” so I could maintain control and the illusion of safety.
If there is any “lack” in me that I want you to fill, if there is any “lack” in you that you want me to fill, then we are in a paradigm of fear. From that paradigm there is no level of freedom that would satisfy either one of us for very long…. (when) We have done the work to fill our “lack” We do not expect the other to be responsible for that filling”. P84-87
This passage from Kimberley’s book reminds me of that song “Looking for Love in all the wrong places”. In the end, Kimberley concludes that the first place you have to find love is within yourself, self-love. We relieve the pressure and burden of someone else to fill our lack when we have self-love and we fill these feelings of lack with our own love.
WHY DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?
Interestingly, opposites often attract as they are both parties are trying to find a sense of wholeness and harmony. At an unconscious level, we know when a partner can fill a perceived lack. For example, my extroverted life was always filled with an unending number of social engagements and I never really stopped going. My husband, an introvert, helped slow me down, and our relationship forced me to slow down and relax. In the beginning my husband was a crutch that enabled me to recognize the merits and how to relax. Over time, I have had to do the hard work in developing these sets of skills that he filled initially. Find out more about why opposites attract in these two videos- a spiritual perspective on how we find ourselves through a relationship here and what to do when the opposites result in us falling out of love here.
4 STEPS TO SELF-DISCOVERY: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT CAN I DO DIFFERENTLY TO FIND LOVE? WHAT IS THE INNER WORK I SHOULD DO TO BE A GOOD PARTNER?
During the interview, Kimberley explains that in love we spend a lot of time trying to focus on “repackaging” our external self instead of rewiring our internal self. While losing weight, getting a make-over at the beauty counter are quick fixes, they are only temporary Band-Aids on dealing with the pain we have inside of not being enough.
The rewiring of our internal self is the longer-term fix that sets up a more healthy foundation that a strong relationship can be built off of. The internal self is filled with a set of disempowering beliefs about our “lack”. The journey on the inside can be done by following steps she discusses in detail in her book:
WHAT IS VULNERABILITY? INTIMACY? WHYARE THEY IMPORTANT INGREDIENTS FOR LOVE?
Throughout the book, Kimberley dives into exploring what it means both to be intimate and vulnerable. In her book “Get Love: How to Transform your Love Life” she writes about her initial understanding of what intimacy and vulnerability mean:
“Vulnerability and intimacy are key-and-lock. Vulnerability means being simultaneously aware of both my weaknesses and my strengths, and so much more. Intimacy means closeness, openness, tenderness, vulnerability, knowing and being known, caring and loving.”