Learn how to discipline and foster responsible decision making in your teenager. \u00a0Interview with psychologist John Rosemond, author of eleven best-selling parenting books, including his latest: \u201cTeen Proofing\u201d.<\/p>\n
BLOG POST HAS BEEN CONDENSED AND EDITED with excerpts pulled from\u00a0Rosemond, J. (1998). Teen-proofing: A revolutionary approach to fostering responsible decision making in your teenager<\/i>. Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel.<\/p>\nWhat are the main stages of a Parent and Child Relationship?<\/h2>\n
John Rosemond explains in his book that parents\u2019 relationships with their kids go through the following stages:<\/p>\n
During this stage the parent\u2019s job is to be a caretaker and to serve (food, liquid, change diapers, entertain, soothe, comfort). \u00a0At age two, the child hits the \u201cterrible\u201d two\u2019s and the parent\u2019s role changes to authority figure, where the primary job shifts to teaching right from wrong, social values, and how a child fits into the family. \u00a0During this time, the attention shifts from self-centeredness to parent-focused. \u00a0Parents act as teachers, provide for and protect children, while children focus on pleasing their parents.<\/p>\n
During this stage, a parent\u2019s job is to instill good character, self-control, and moral virtue. \u00a0The parent teaches the child how to fit in according to societal values and how to behave properly in public. \u00a0The three core values are respect, responsibility, and resourcefulness. \u00a0Many parents may choose to give their child chores, and teach them about the consequences of their good and bad choices. \u00a0While parents shift to more of a mentoring role, they are still needed to stand ready to exercise authority over children when they experience lapses in their self-discipline.<\/p>\n
Rosemond shares that it\u2019s not uncommon for parents\u2019 sweet and loveable child to change overnight into \u201cdefiant, disrespectful, disobedient, discourteous, disingenuous \u2013 in brief, moody little wretches.\u201d \u00a0While Rosemond attributes hormone surges as contributing to changes in emotions and moods, he suggests other changes have to do with peer groups.<\/p>\n
\u201cAround age twelve, it dawns on the preadolescent that he won\u2019t be living with his parents from the rest of his life; that his future lies now with them, but with members of his own generation. \u00a0And so, he throws his lot — or most of it \u2013 in with his peers\u201d p35<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Rosemond explains that this is when parents feel they lose control of the parent-child relationship. During this stage, a child puts his peers at the center of his attention and looks to them for cues on how to act. \u00a0Peer approval becomes more important for a child\u2019s security than parental approval. During this stage, children require more meaning from their role within a peer group. He offers the following insight:<\/p>\n
\u201cIronically, what happens to parent\/child relationship during early adolescence is a mirror image of what occurred some ten years earlier, except that this time, the proverbial shoes are on the parents\u2019 feet. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
When the child was a toddler and his parents rather suddenly changed the rules, thus asserting their authority, the child felt himself to be losing control of the relationship. \u00a0He became, therefore, insecure and tried every conceivable means (i.e.- tantrums, defiance, etc.) of keeping things the way they had been, of keeping himself at the center of his parent\u2019s attention. \u00a0Now, however, it is the child who initiates the change in rules\u201d. P36<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It\u2019s very common during this time of independence that the child wants nothing to do with the parent, as they try to develop a place among his peers. \u00a0While parents want to know what is going on and remain involved in their child\u2019s life, the child may prove hard to reach. \u00a0The only thing parents can do is back off and let the child assume a greater share of responsibility for the relationship. \u00a0Rosemond explains the resulting dynamic:<\/p>\n
\u201cAs you can imagine- this metamorphosis (moving from parent to peers for approval) generates its share of anxiety and insecurity which explains why the young teen looks worried and troubled. \u00a0But to who can he talk? Not to his friends, because to do so would be a tacit admission of weakness. Not to his parents, either, because that would be an admission of continued dependence. The tweenager is having to make a lot of adjustments and outside being understanding, patient and supportive – there\u2019s probably little that parent can do that will significantly ease the process.\u201d P122<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
While it\u2019s tempting to resort to being a control freak, and micromanage a child during this stage. Rosemond suggests that this is one of the worst things a parent can do. \u00a0He draws the following analogy:<\/p>\n
\u201c A micromanagement style breeds not employee satisfaction, but resentment, anger, and avoidance. \u00a0The employee, under these oppressive circumstances, is likely to make a habit of showing up late for work, and taking extended lunch hours, and more sick days than is common. \u00a0This irresponsible behavior is used by the micromanager to justify his vigilant behavior.\u201d P41<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
John Rosemond YouTube: Why is parenting so hard?<\/h3>\n
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- 1:14<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Why is discipline so confounding for parents ? John shares his thoughts on so called “parenting experts” and how they have caused today’s parents to lose our own good sense in parenting our kids.<\/li>\n
- 4:03<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0How do counselors and psychologists help and hurt our parenting?<\/li>\n
- 30:51<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0At what age does one establish emotional boundaries?<\/li>\n
- 33:16<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0How do discipline issues evolve over time?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Strategies for common parenting dilemmas<\/h1>\n
The strategies listed in the below sections relate to the parent\u2019s responsibility as coach and mentor. \u00a0These examples shift the responsibility to the child, because when the parent assumes responsibility for a problem that belongs rightfully to a child, they end up compensating for the problem versus really correcting it. \u00a0The end result is that the child remains irresponsible. Rosemond shares his philosophy that it\u2019s not about having a democratic relationship, but about accepting a child for what they are, nurturing them into what they are capable of becoming, and having high expectations.<\/p>\n
John Rosemond YouTube: Why is setting emotional boundaries is so important?<\/h3>\n
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- 24:16<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Why does parenting amount to good common sense?<\/li>\n
- 25:43<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0What does it mean that a parent is an enabler?<\/li>\n
- 27:23<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Why is it so important to have firm boundaries?<\/li>\n
- 29:30<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Why does counseling only work if you are willing to commit to a remediation plan with your teen?<\/li>\n
- 29: 49<\/strong><\/a> Why are emotional boundaries so important?<\/li>\n
- 35:12<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Why do great parents sometimes have problematic teens?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
In \u00a0\u201cTeen Proofing- Fostering Responsible Decision Making in your Teenager\u201d Rosemond shares the process his wife, Willie, and he used to address a number of issues with their son Eric:<\/p>\n
What are reasonable curfews to give a teen?<\/h2>\n
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- Mom and dad explained that there were giving their son freedom, and that it that comes with responsibility. \u00a0If the child acted responsibly, his freedom would grow. \u00a0However, if he broke the roles, and failed to put the priorities in proper order, then both parents would have to step in. \u00a0They explained that whether the child\u2019s freedom grew, shrunk, or stayed the same was up to him.<\/li>\n
- They started with a curfew on non-school nights of 9:00 PM. After six months of making the curfew, it would increase by 30 minutes (e.g.- 9:30, 10:00, etc)<\/li>\n
- They agreed to the \u201ccurfew clock\u201d that would be the time all of them would use in determining if a curfew was reached.<\/li>\n
- Mom and dad defined what it meant when a curfew was missed (e.g.- a violation was walking into the house after the designated curfew\u201d and the consequences if he missed curfew (e.g.- you miss and your six month curfew would \u00a0begin anew) and that there would be no excuses (even if valid).<\/li>\n
- They set some parameters that their son had to keep his parents informed as to where he was and who he was with.<\/li>\n
- This same process was used for a weekend curfew as well.<\/li>\n
- If their son agreed to this deal, then when he grew older (e.g.- sixteen), he would be able to set his own curfew.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
Should you give a child an allowance?<\/h2>\n
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- The first of every month, they deposited $100 into their checking account<\/li>\n
- They outlined what the money was to be used (e.g. clothing and recreation, such as movies, amusement parks, concerts). \u00a0They agreed to pay for essentials (socks, underwear, and any item that needed to be replaced).<\/li>\n
- They had strict rules on getting advances (e.g.- they refused to give him an advance from next month\u2019s allowance). \u00a0If their son needed more money, then he needed to be resourceful and find a job, or learn how to budget his money appropriately.<\/li>\n
- They did have certain restrictions on what he could use the money for (e.g. no pornography, no motorcycle, etc)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
Should I give my child a car?<\/h2>\n
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- They bought him a moderately-priced car.<\/li>\n
- They paid expenses (monthly finance payments, insurance, maintenance and repair) for a limited time (e.g.- three months).<\/li>\n
- Their son was required to pay some of the expenses at month 4 (e.g. parents paid the monthly payment and their son paid the rest). This required him to get a part-time job.<\/li>\n
- They stipulated that if the job resulted in a drop in grades, he would be given a grace period (e.g. nine weeks), but if his grades dropped, he would only be able to use the car to get to school and work and not for social activities. \u00a0If his grades didn\u2019t get better, then he was expected to quit his job and his car would be put up for sale.<\/li>\n
- They established rules for if the child found themselves in a bad situation. Even though they made it clear that they did not approve of under-age driving, they offered to come and get him – no questions asked – if he had been drinking (even one beer) or a friend who was driving was drinking.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
What should I do if I don\u2019t like my kid\u2019s friends?<\/h2>\n
If you find that you are unhappy with who your child is hanging out with, Rosemond offers four rules of thumb:<\/p>\n
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- Be willing to let your kids make mistakes. \u00a0Social experimentation can teach a child valuable lessons, even when they don\u2019t turn out well.<\/li>\n
- Hold your child accountable and don\u2019t blame the other kid for your child\u2019s lapse in judgment.<\/li>\n
- Don\u2019t force or manipulate your child into choosing certain companions, or you risk them going underground with their friendships.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
It\u2019s important to keep your opinions to yourself even if you may not like how your child\u2019s friend looks, behaves, or their parents. \u00a0If your child\u2019s friends have gotten into trouble, or have parents who don\u2019t provide enough supervision, you can caution your child. \u00a0Rosemone suggests explaining the reasons for your discomfort (\u201cI\u2019m going to keep closer tabs on this friendship than I normally would. You can prevent me from intervening by acting responsibly and staying out of trouble\u201d.) \u00a0\u00a0The only time you should set limits on a relationship is when your child\u2019s friend has been arrested, skipped school, or has a bad driving record. \u00a0\u00a0If your child\u2019s friend has a history of juvenile delinquency, is a known drug user, or burglarized someone\u2019s home, then it\u2019s fair to prohibit association all together.<\/p>\n
Here is some sample dialogue Rosemond suggests for a family who is at their wits end with their child and considering moving their child to a private school to remove him from peers who drink, do drugs or are otherwise a bad influence:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were right. We have been trying to choose your friends. \u00a0We\u2019d really rather that you didn\u2019t hang around with those boys, but we\u2019re no longer going to try to prevent it. \u00a0Whether you influence them in the right directions or they influence you in wrong directions is up to you. \u00a0But hear this! If you get into any trouble with them, not only will you never again be allowed to associate with them but there will also be a significant period of time in your life when you won\u2019t be allowed to associate with anyone. \u00a0You have the freedom you want, but you\u2019d better take care of it , because along with that freedom comes a lot of responsibility. \u00a0If you get in trouble, we will not give any considerations to such excuses as \u201cIt wasn\u2019t my idea\u201d p242<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201cAt this point, I’ve had enough evidence – bad grades, bad behavior, drug paraphernalia. \u00a0I have no intention of letting you trash a fourteen-year investment in your future. \u00a0Since you have misplaced the ability to make good decisions concerning friends, you\u2019re going to make them for him. \u00a0You are forbidden, absolutely and completely to have any contact with any other boys in your group. \u00a0I\u2019ll help you as much as possible and we can spend time as a family with other activities and situations that will help you meet a better group of peers. \u00a0If we suspect that you have violated this rule, then you will be under house arrest for the entire summer and will go to a new school in the fall\u201d p164 <\/em><\/p>\n
\u201c We don\u2019t want you using drugs, and we don\u2019t want you drinking. If that means that you won\u2019t be accepted by certain people, then we don\u2019t want you having anything to do with those people in the first place\u201d p 228<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Resource: How do you know if your teen is lying to you?<\/h3>\n
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- How do you know if your child is lying to you? Check out an interview with Vanessa Van Patten by clicking here<\/a>.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
What happens when a child misbehaves?<\/h1>\n
Rosemond offers that when a child misbehaves, there is some consequence that is due, and that while punishment is an option, there are other options:<\/p>\n
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- A stern reprimand<\/li>\n
- An open discussion of why the behavior took place and how it can be prevented in the future<\/li>\n
- An acknowledgement of the misdeed with a statement of disapproval \u201cI know you got in trouble at school today, and I\u2019m not pleased\u201d.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
A lot has to do with the child\u2019s age, the nature of the misbehavior, and whether it\u2019s chronic.<\/p>\n
Youtube Video: Teen bad behavior and discipline strategies<\/h3>\n
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- 11:55<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Rosemond shares his own personal story of moving from being an A-student, to smoking pot, getting arrested twice, and almost failing out of college.<\/li>\n
- 14:55<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Case Study: Parent who has a teen smoking pot who barely graduates high school.<\/li>\n
- 22:08<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Case Study: Kids living at home and smoking pot.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Resources: How to discipline a child?<\/h3>\n
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- Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solution – See more at: https:\/\/www.fireitupwithcj.com\/dev\/94-positive-parenting-solutions-listen-with-nagging\/#sthash.RDbd8iob.dpuf<\/a><\/li>\n
- \u00a0Daniel J. Siegel, the pioneering expert behind\u00a0The Whole-Brain Child,\u00a0explores the ultimate child-raising challenge: discipline.\u00a0Highlighting the fascinating link between a child\u2019s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior, No-Drama Discipline provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears\u2014without causing a scene. Learn how to discipline a child using the No-Drama approach. – See more at: https:\/\/www.fireitupwithcj.com\/dev\/how-to-discipline-a-child-using-the-no-drama-method-dan-siegel\/#sthash.rITzOWS4.dpuf<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
What should you do when you have an argumentative teen?<\/h2>\n
One of the hardest things to do as parents is to let our child have the last word. \u00a0Instead, we\u2019d rather argue until we get the last word. \u00a0The end result is that the relationship suffers. \u00a0Rosemond suggests that this approach only leads to further power struggles because teens just become more disrespectful and resentful. \u00a0The alternative is to end the power struggle by reasserting your authority.<\/p>\n
Rosemond explains that the power struggle is a game that you have decided to play with your child, where your child throws down the gauntlet and you pick it right up. \u00a0This works as long as your child feels that they have nothing to lose in fighting. If you don\u2019t move to action, then your child learns that they might as well fight. \u00a0Your teen will feel more secure with a parent who demonstrates where they stand and where they want their child to stand. \u00a0While your child may not be happy with the decisions you make, they will feel more secure with parents who are resolute when making decisions.<\/p>\n
Here is the suggested dialogue that Rosemond has used in his family when reaching an impasse with his son Eric:<\/p>\n
\u201cEric, if I was your age, I wouldn\u2019t agree with this either, but I\u2019ve made my decision. \u00a0Right now, you\u2019re angry, and I don\u2019t blame you, but anger and good communication don\u2019t mix. \u00a0When you calm down, if you want to talk, I\u2019ll talk. \u00a0Not argue, but talk \u00a0Meanwhile, the decision stands, and I trust that you\u2019ll abide by it, whether you agree with it or not.\u201d p108<\/em><\/p>\n
In the book, there is a passage with his son, who wants a motorcycle at age fifteen. \u00a0The approach that Rosemond uses with his son Eric is to allow the child to have the freedom to say what he has to say, acknowledge that he has heard their complaint, and then end the agreement. \u00a0Here\u2019s what happened when Rosemond\u2019s son Eric requested to have a motorcycle:<\/p>\n
Rosemond: \u00a0Eric, this is going to be the shortest conversation we\u2019ve ever head. \u00a0Because you will never get a motorcycle from your mother and me. \u00a0If fact, just to be completely clear concerning this matter, you can\u2019t even – at some future date- buy a motorcycle for yourself and continue to live here. \u201c<\/em><\/p>\n
Eric: But dad, all my friends are getting them!<\/em><\/p>\n
Rosemond: Then Eric, you\u2019re going to be the most special kid in your peer group. <\/em><\/p>\n
Eric: I want to know why you won\u2019t buy me a motorcycle<\/em><\/p>\n
Rosemond: Because motorcycles are dangerous and you are not old enough to appreciate the danger; nor will you before many years to come. <\/em><\/p>\n
Eric: I promise to be careful. <\/em><\/p>\n
Rosemond: \u00a0Eric, let me explain something. If I was your age, I\u2019d want a motorcycle. And if I asked my parents for one, they\u2019d say the same thing to me I just said to you. \u00a0And believe it or not, I\u2019d say the same thing to them you just said to me. \u00a0Furthermore, there’ll come the day when you\u2019ll be standing in my shoes, saying pretty much the same thing to your fifteen year old.\u201d \u00a0(And without further ado, Rosemond turns around and walks away pulling the power from the power struggle.)<\/em><\/p>\n
Eric: Where are you going? I want to talk about this. \u00a0We\u2019re not done, Dad. <\/em><\/p>\n
Rosemond: We\u2019re done. \u00a0(And Rosemond leaves)<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
While this approach may work when you hold the purse strings, there are other times when you and your child will disagree. \u00a0Rosemond shares his experience with their daughter, Amy, who refused to do household chores or clean the house for upcoming dinner guests. \u00a0Her parents ran out to do errands before their dinner party. Despite their requests to Amy, the chores weren\u2019t done because their daughter went out for the evening with friends. \u00a0While they considered grounding their daughter, they didn\u2019t want her sulking around for their dinner party. \u00a0Instead, they wait for a consequence that happened a week later. \u00a0( Note: Rosemond dismisses the idea that consequences need to be given immediately to be relevant.). \u00a0When Amy wanted to go out with friends again for a dance party, her parents didn\u2019t allow her to go out. \u00a0Here\u2019s what they said:<\/p>\n
Rosemond: Amy, you can\u2019t go out tonight. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
Amy: Why? I deserve a reason. <\/em><\/p>\n
Rosemond: Last Saturday, we told you to vacuum and clean the bathroom because of a dinner party and you told us that you weren\u2019t going to do anything that we asked you to do, and you didn\u2019t. \u00a0You still don\u2019t understand that disobedience isn\u2019t free. \u00a0When you defy someone with legitimate authority – in this case, your mother and I – there is always a price to be paid, sooner or later. \u00a0The price for your disobedience has just come due. You aren\u2019t going out tonight because of what happened last Saturday. <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Rosemond describes this as a \u201ccheckmate move,\u201d which is a consequence that takes a child by surprise. \u00a0While most of the above tactics (e.g. reprimands, grounding, taking away privileges) work when a child needs a small nudge to get back on track, the checkmate is used for outrageous behavior that will be memorable.<\/p>\n
How to talk about sex?<\/h2>\n